My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
