I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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