i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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