Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
