I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
