Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
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