I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
