the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
