I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
