Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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