I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
