My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
