I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
