Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
