He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
