Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
