Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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