Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
