once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
