Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
