i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize