At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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