Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
