You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
