just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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