Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
