Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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