Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
