I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
