1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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