Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
