I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize