His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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