Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
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Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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