ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
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