so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
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She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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