not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
