sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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