Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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