can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
