tonight lets celebrate not being married
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
