I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
