Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
