He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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