I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
