I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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