Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
