all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
