do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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