Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
