I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
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