Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.