I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
