Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
These People Are So Awkward You’ll Get Embarrassed
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
These People Encountered Celebrities in Bizarrely Normal Places
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.