how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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