Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
