Just fell off a train. Bad.
someone owes me an orgasm
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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