There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
