Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I want to be your penis for a week.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
