dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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